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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.