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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.