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I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
As I was signing into my email account instead of yahoo.com I typed hayoo.com...nope, it wasn`t right but I got to thinking it would be quite appropriate, afterall, we`re trying to get someone`s attention, right?
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
My life is loosely based on a true story.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.