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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
I wouldn`t want lesbian parents. Not because I`m homophobic. I just don`t want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"