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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Redneck Word : debate...i was gonna go fishin today but forgot to bring debate
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.