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Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.
I fake my lol`s