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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.