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As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?