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Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.