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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?