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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
Iām pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.