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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.