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People will do odd things to get even.
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.