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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.