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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.