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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
Does running out of money count as exercise?
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.