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I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude