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It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
My inner self is in Photoshop
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
Doormats are a gateway rug.