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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.