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Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time