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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.