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You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
hilarious
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out