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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.