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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I miss the life I planned in my head.
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.