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My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!