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If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
If you ever disappeared while hiking, Iād remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Iām moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor