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I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.