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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
people live & people die, but in the the end we still get high.. so if in life you dont succeed, F*CK it All & smoke some WEED ?
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav