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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.