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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”