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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?