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Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.