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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.