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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.