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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.