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“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.