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People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.