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If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....