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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.