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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.