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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, Iām not falling for that.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Hello? HP? Iād like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
Today`s subliminal thought is: ā¦
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.