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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Don`t believe everything you think.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"