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Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.