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You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".