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What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.