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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.