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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.