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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.