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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.