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Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside