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Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Iām glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.