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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
My number was 0...