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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"