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twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.