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If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.