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I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.