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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
I flunked anger management class.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.