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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
The black sheep always have the best stories.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.