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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."