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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
I don`t care about your status...
Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway