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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?