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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
with great power...comes great electric bill...
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.