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"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.