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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
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I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.