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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.