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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!