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I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.