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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)