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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.