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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats