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I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?