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Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.