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Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.