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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
i only drink on days that end with y
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.