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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.