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I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined....
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point