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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.