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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.