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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.