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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.