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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I`m perfect you adjust.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?