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My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"