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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.