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Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches