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I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
is spending my children´s inheritance.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.