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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
Iām going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.