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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?