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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.