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Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".