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Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."