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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.