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Vodka is just amazing water.
To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light