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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.