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Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
The best things in life require no pants.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
I need more people like me in my life
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now