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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.