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The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)