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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
no..i am not drunk, floors needs hugs too ! :p
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
Home is where the alcohol is.