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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........