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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.