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Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.