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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.