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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
I`ve given up on giving up.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.