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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?