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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"