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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.