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When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.