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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.