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I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.