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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.