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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.