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Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.