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Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
people live & people die, but in the the end we still get high.. so if in life you dont succeed, F*CK it All & smoke some WEED ?
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.