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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.